Kingdom News
by Kiara Jaks Lil Sis
Summary: Ok peoples this is what happens when you leave the cast of Kingdom Hearts to host a news show. It is randomly crack and stuff. Um yeah IDk what to think of this anymore. But um click and be warned there is no plot. AkuRoku and other stuff.
1. The Start

Kingdom News Act 1

Sora:I'm your super head anchorman Sora.

Roxas:And I'm his assitant Roxas

Sora:Shut Up Roxas nobody cares about you!

Roxas:does an evil death glare at Sora Anyways todays top story consists of..

Sora:Kairi!

Roxas:Yes Kairi and Axel

Sora:What does Axel have to do with my Kairi?!

Roxas:I don't know why don't we go with our reporter Riku for the details. (points his fingers at the screen and it goes to Riku)

(Goes to a jail with Axel in a jail cell behind Riku)

Riku:Yes we are here in Nobody Jailand we have the convicted person of Kairi's rape right here.

Axel:(grabbing the bars)It wasen't me I swear it was Xigbar

Riku:Yah that's what they all say

Axel:No I'm serious let me out I don't wanna get butt raped!

Riku:What ever people like you deserve this.

Axel:But..

Riku:I don't want any of ur butts!

back to you Sora

(Goes to the news desk)

Sora:What the...

Roxas:I know and I always thought Axel was...

Sora:What?

Roxas:Never Mind but anyways we now have Tidus, Wakka, and Selpie with the Weather

Wakka:Well today it will be sunny and HOT!A flameing 97 degrees man.

Tidus:Yes,It will be a 75 degrees celcius today in Land of the dragons.

Selphie:Your soposed to do it in ferhiniet Stupid!

Tidus:Oh well then it will be a -30

degress ferinheit

Wakka:Yah Man that's cold

Selphie:Also the 5 day forecast will be with Me!

Goes to a gaint 5 day forecast calander

Selphie:UHHH Psssst Wakka what am I soposed to say again

Wakka:I don't know say anything

Selphie:Uhhhh Wakka and Tidus are wearing matching power ranger underwear?

Tidus:NO SELPHIE UR NOT SOPOSED TO SAY THAT!

Selphie:Well he said say any..

Wakka:(jumps in front of the screen) TTFN TA TA FOE NOW!

(blacks out and goes to a commiricial)

Werid announcer voice:It's Xigbar's hunting channel and we hunt every animal in the..the..WORLDS YAh let's go with that.

Xigbar:Aww you idiots!Let me do it!

(speaks in a fast voice)

We hunt everything form Deer to heartless to Candy Balls whatever those are and all sorts of stuff we..

(Big sighn comes across the screen)

THIS JUST IN AXEL, THE CULPRIT OF KAIRI'S RAPE IS ON THE LOOSE!WATCH OUT HE'S CRAZY!HE'S CARRYING HIS CHAKRAMS AND LOOKING FOR SOMEONE NAMED XIGBAR (and Roxas) IF YOU SEE HIM PLEASE GIVE US A CALL!

(Goes back to the hunting commircial)

Xigbar:Ohhhh SHIT! I'm dead so dead (Starts running in circles)

Axel:he bust's in through the wall XIGBAR ur dead unless you confess the truth!

Xigbar:Axel calm down it was just a misunderstanding (starts backing up)

Axel:NO WAY TELL EVERYONE THE TRUTH OR UR DEAD! (throws a chakram at Xigbar and pins him to the wall)

Xigbar:Okay okay I DID IT!

Axel:What did you do?

Xigbar:I RAPED Kairi!

(The police walk in and take Xigbar in to custodey)

(Goes to the news desk)

Sora:Wow...That was...the weridest commirical break i have ever seen

Roxas:Yah

Sora:I mean i have been in this bussiness WHAT? 5 hours and that was the...the..stupidest commircial ever (rambles on about the commircial)

Roxas:Yah whatever Sora anyway's we now have Kingdom Numbers with Demyx

Sora:(Stops rambleing) Hey I was soposed to say that!

Roxas:Yah you "were" but since you wouldn't shutup I said it.

Sora:Oh aren't you just dandy!

Roxas:aren't is not technally a word

Sora:KNOCK IT OFF!!!

(Goes to the numbers screen)

Demyx:HEY PEOPLE! and I'm Demyx the ruler of Kingdom Numbers

Random Voice:Just get on with it!

Demyx:Ok I'm going but yah umm psst hey random dude what's this number cuz it's really big

Random Dude:100,000,000

Demyx:Ok thank you 100,000,000 nobodies attacked...psst what's this number

Random Voice:in a sarcastic voice Cannibilistic BUTT!

Demyx:Thank you! canibilistic BUTT! Heartless

Random Voice:Demyx get off the screen

Demyx:But I'm not done

Random Voice:GET OFF!! throws a chair at him

Demyx:(In a scared voice)Ok OK just don't hurt me (starts inching off the screen)

random voice:Now back to you guys at the news desk!

(Goes to the news desk)

Sora:Wow that was really...What's the word I'm looking for..

Roxas:Cheap Cheesey Stupid stop me when you hear something you like

Sora:Oh now I know PATHETIC!

Roxas:Now that's not very nice

Sora:Would you be quiet becase last time I cheacked I was head anchorman and you were seconed hand!

Roxas:Yah so your point is technacally

Sora:That I'm doing the talking form now on!

Roxas:OK ok geeeeez

Sora:Now we are going to our other story about the rumor's of Axel sucking his thumb.

Roxas:(starts whistleing)

Sora:Hey you now something Kingdom Boy SO SPILL IT!

Roxas:Nope you said you did you did the talking remember I can't say anything (Smirks)

Sora:(mumbles) Fine you can take the report

Roxas:YES! Ok so is it true? Members of the Organazation say that they saw Axel sucking his thumb hugging a teddy bear that was all red.Is it true.Well Axel said no.But this tape we got said other wise.

(A film starts playing on the screen It was Axel laying in a blanket sucking his thumb.Holding close a red Teddy Bear that was about the size of his hand.)

Sora:There you have it folks

Roxas:Yep flamey has been discovred

Flames go across the screen then die down and Axel is on the screen.

Axel:Wtf Roxas I thought we had something special Starts crying

Roxas:We did but now it's time to let go.

**OKKKKKK THAT WAS WERID AND I GESS AWKWARD SOOO WILL AXEL AND ROXAS HOOK UP? THE WORLD MAY NEVER KNOW!**

Sora:Hey I'm sopsed to end!

Narrator: Okay

Sora: Allright people you know that we will be on tomorrow at 8 am and 8 pm so see you then!

screen blacks out and goes to commircial


	2. Axel hates Technical Difficulties

Kingdom News Act 2

Sora: Hey peoples I'm Sora

Roxas: And I'm Roxas

Sora: You mean Kingdom Boy

Roxas: No I mean Roxas

Sora: You mean Bi-Guy

Roxas: NOOO!

Sora: Yah so you guys are all probly wondering what happened with Axel and Roxas. At the end of last weeks show. …. Well what happened was …. (Covers Sora's mouth)

Roxas: Nothing happened!

(Sora starts trying to mumble something)

Roxas: Now let's go to Xemnas with the traffic report.

(Xemnas is floating high in the air with a camera)

Xemnas: Okay so how do use this thing Sora?

Roxas: (Goes to answer)

Sora: (Interrupts) Hey he said Sora! Not Roxas the Organization dude.

Roxas: You know I have name to!

Sora: Yah and your point?

Roxas: That I would like to be called by it!

Sora: Oh ok now what's your name again? Rammy

Roxas: Roxas

Sora: Ricardo

Roxas: Roxas!

Sora: Roxbs

Roxas: ROXAS! ROXAS! ROXAS!

Xemnas: (jumps in the middle of argument) GUYS!

Roxas and Sora: (Who were now pulling at each other's hair) (stopped dead in their tracks) Yes?!

Xemnas: I still need to know how to work the friken camera!

Roxas: Oh you just press the red button and aim it were you want it to go.

Xemnas: Oh thanks! (Leaves the room)

(Roxas starts slugging Sora and Sora starts trying to reach for a knife)

Roxas: You fkin suck balls!

Sora: Well you can go suck a cow!

(A little screen pops up)

Screen lines: Sorry but we have minor technical difficulties. You know the thing that's not supposed to happen. So we are just going to skip Sora and Roxas for now and go to the weather report thank you!

(Goes back to Xemnas floating)

Xemnas: Hi worthless humans I'm Xemnas and I'll be doing your traffic report today!

Xemnas thoughts: Man that party was sure something Saix sure does have a nice...

Xemnas: You can't catch me gay thoughts (Starts running away form the his thought bubble) (while throwing down the camera)

(The same technical difficulties screen pops up)

Words: Sorry Xemnas had a gay moment and there will be no traffic report today. So we will skip ahead to Sora and Roxas.

(Goes to Sora and Roxas sitting at the desk) (There are patches of hair on the ground and Sora has a black eye)

Roxas: Well our problems are solved and we will go on to today's news story.

Sora: Yes gay couples, now as we all know that gay couples are the symbol of our world.

Roxas: Yep but are some couples really gay?

Sora: We are going to our other head reporter Kairi who couldn't possibly be gay!

Roxas: Yah she could

Sora: (Gives Roxas an evil glare) Yah really how could she be gay? Mr. Know-it-all?

Roxas: Because then she would be straight. (Smiles very happily)

Sora: (Rolls eyes) Let's just go to my hot babe… I mean buddy Kairi.

(Goes to Kairi standing on a street in New York City)

Kairi: Hey people it's me Kairi and here in New York City asking people what they think about Gay Couples.

(Runs up to some random person wearing a Kingdom Hearts T-Shirt.)

Kairi: Hey YOU!

Random person 1:Yes?

Kairi: What do you think of gay couples on Kingdom Hearts?

Random Person 1: Well I think that Axel and Roxas need to get a room and Namine can go screw! (Person runs off)

Kairi: OKAY that was weird… Hmm let's see were is another victim… Oh I see one!

(Runs up to a random person sitting on the curb)

Random Person 2: What do you want?

Kairi: I want to know what you think of gay couples on Kingdom Hearts.

Random Person: Who cares about stupid Kingdom Hearts when my life is a disaster (Starts sobbing)

Kairi: Sir is you okay?

Random Person 2: Yah I'm just fine I just will sit here and cut myself.. (Takes out a knife and starts cutting oneself)

Kairi: Okay well you heard it here folks some people like it and others don't even care. My opinion is that gay guys make the world of Kingdom Hearts go round. Back to you Sora and Roxas.

(Goes to Sora and Roxas) (They are fighting again)

Sora: You are so gay for Axel! (Starts slugging Roxas in the head)

Roxas: Hey at least I didn't kiss Riku! (Starts yanking at Sora's hair)

(They start calling each other absurd names) Example: Bi-Guy and Kingdom DO-DO.

(Technical Difficulties screen pops up again)

Words: Sorry for the inconvenient but Kingdom News will be canceled for today.

(Before more words could pop up flames shot across the screen) (Flames die down on screen and Axel is standing there)

Axel: Okay that is it I'm trying to watch the first T.V. I've watched in weeks and God Dam technical difficulties keep on popping the fck up! If another one of these things pop up I'm going to break the FKIN T.V. (Jumps off of screen)

(The technical difficulties come up again)

Words: Sorry for the…. (Axel interrupts)

Axel: (sounding very enraged) WHAT THE FUCK DID I TELL YOU!

Words: Well mam we were only programmed this way.

Axel: I'M A GUY AND I HATE TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES IT'S THE MAN'S SOLUTION TO EVERYTHING!!!!!! (Takes out his chakrams with flaming hands)

Words: UH-OH! BIG Difficulty.

Axel: (throws chakrams at the screen and the screen cracks to bits)

(Blacks out and goes to Demyx)

Demyx: (Hops across the screen) What did I miss?

Random Voice: Basically the whole show

Demyx: Oh man I wanted to do the numbers again

Random Voice: Oh well you get the last word though.

Demyx: AWESOME! But what do I say?

Random Voice: Anything you want I guess.

Demyx: (Starts singing the Oscar Mayer wiener song)

Random Voice: Ok whatever yah that's the end of this news show that totally makes no sense and has no point but the Author threw it together for your pure amusement.

_**Sorry if this one wasn't as funny I personally like the part where Xemnas runs away from his gay thoughts (borrowed idea from family guy) so stay tuned.**_


End file.
